This is one of my serious posts, but I got to let it off my chest. Do not worry though, this is still a cosy safe space. Grab a coffee , adjust that back pillow and let me share it with you ❤️
I am not feeling too great at this moment. I woke up feeling so hurt and upset. I understand that my dream (nightmare more like it) trigger it but somehow I feel like it is something that could teach me a lesson in my present moment. Basically, the dream is about me trying to help an old elementary friend that I used to be close to . However, despite the amount of effort I put into helping him , he was always scolding me, blaming me and making me cry (in the dream). My interpretation is that my inner child has not dealt with the fact that I have been mercilessly abused at the hands of narcissist(s) while growing up. I would say that sounds like me even as an adult , well at least the naive me a couple of years ago. I do not know when to leave sometimes especially after someone have clearly disregarded, ignored, and hurt me. I just assume the other person (s) are hurt and therefore, I need to be patient with them. Growing up with narcissist(s) have dulled my senses somewhat to distinguish that I have been highly manipulated but not anymore and so will you after reading this.
These couple of months especially since the beginning of this year, I have embarked on rectifying any subsconcious dullness of senses in regards to the manipulation and ill-treatment(s) that I have endured over the course of my life. It was a journey of self-love, healing, and lots of problem solving, putting back the pieces of my self as well as revisiting the past so as to understand future scenarios and people that I might have to encounter. Hence, why it is difficult for me to open up to anyone after everything that I have gone through but I will open up this once about narcissism.
There is nothing you can do to prevent an argument the moment you raise up something about them that they might have done wrong. Even the mere fact of you saying that you might feel hurt or upset because of their actions regardless of intention to hurt, will trigger them off into a fight and flight mode ready to pounce on you and fight back. There is no calm discussion or civility in listening to your piece, rather they would point the fingers all in your direction and blame you, your friends, your thought process and character, basically anything to get the blame off their skin. For the lack of better words, I would like to term a naricissist as a coward but they just have terribly low self esteem and tend to project it onto those who gives them the time of the day.
They are selfish period. They only have the interest of themselves first and foremost however, they will say that you are their priority and act like they have your best interest at heart even more than theirs at times. You will soon realise that you are to be planning things around them, always giving in and have to adopt their ideas and concepts over your own. You will lose yourself, let me tell you this. They want dominion over the situation (you) and you running around them inflates their egos, but they do not regard you as their equal. I know of someone who was dealing with a class A narcissist, let’s call him X and after 30 years, she have no idea what she likes, or what her belief systems were. Just utterly confused. Again, remember that I told you that a Narcissist have poor self esteem, yes and that is why they are so selfish. They cannot and will not give.
They tend to think that they are superior or better than others , or that their achievements are profound even when they are not. Narcissist X , was obsessed over some paper qualification that was so mediocre and barely recognised but he never once lost an opportunity to brag about it to anyone even to complete strangers. They are also so deluded to see their own true lacking and have to aggrandise themselves to make up for it. They too tend to make fun others who may not be of the same socio economic status as them or bitterly jealous of others above them and will criticise heavily. They are known critics but unfair critics to be honest. They have always something to point out as a flaw, even when it isn’t.
What do expect from someone who has low self esteem besides someone who cannot be satisfied with one loyal good partner? – unfaithfulness. They keep fantasing that there is a perfect something but there isn’t. There is no perfect relationship, perfect man or woman , perfect mate or beauty, perfect anything but they will always be on a hunt looking and searching for this fantasy of theirs hurting those who unfortunately ended up falling in love with them. They would always need the approval of the opposite gender or approval of potential lovers. It is so incredibly painful living and trying to love someone like that.
They will convince you that it is not them but you. It is you for overthinking, it is because of you that the problem started, it is you , you and you but never once it is them. The number of times I have witnessed this throughout the course of my life is numerous. I am now basically an expert at spotting out a gaslighter. They would make you lose your identity, you will be walking on eggshells hoping that your fears or hurts about a situation would not trigger another dispute. Most times, I believe they are childish and yes narcissist are not matured folks, they are in this weird daydream fantasy land of theirs, dreaming of everything perfect for their fake deluded self, often times it is to make up for their low self esteem. They always want to remain in a position of control or dominion, and tend to show that they have everything under control. Thus, it is easier to doubt yourself rather than them , because they seem so sure of themselves and you may ended up apologising to keep the peace even when it is not your fault.
Leave, honey, leave. If there is anyway to get rid of this unncessary pain in life, there is just one way out and it is out the door.